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An (Very Unorganized) Open Letter to Change

It’s been some time, hasn’t it? Nothing much has changed.

I’ve only just graduated from university with a B.A. in journalism and French as well as a concentration in creative writing. I’ve also just traveled across Europe in about two weeks, visiting new countries like Switzerland and Spain, revisiting old favorite cities like Paris and Rome, and even saying hello to a lovely friend from across the pond in London.

Yes, other than that, nothing much has changed.

Though you may read that as sarcastic, it is quite true. I’m sitting at my desk writing this feeling as though nothing has changed. As if I have another semester coming up in the fall to prepare for.

Of course, that’s not the case. Everything is shifting in my life right now. I’m heading into a life in which I pursue a career, in which I pursue the hobbies I care about around the time I set, in which I must decide how I want my future to look like.

Yet, I feel stagnant. I feel stuck.

It could very well be because I have yet to find a job that I want (or any for that matter). I have no clubs or organizations that I am a part of anymore, because I no longer attend my university. I have no motivation to do anything, and I don’t know why.

I think it’s because I thrive off of set schedules. I could never argue with the set schedule I had for my classes, because that’s how the university set it up. If I have a solid structure, then I can work around that.

Now, I don’t have anything solid, and I don’t like that. I don’t like disappointing people, so I don’t argue with set schedules, but when I set a schedule for myself, I so easily ignore it. Maybe it’s just easier for me, because I still don’t have a high level of self-confidence yet, though to be fair, I have far more confidence than I did a few years ago. I have to be patient with myself.

With all that said though, despite feeling stuck, I don’t feel stressed.

I’ve never liked change. Perhaps it’s the taurus in me, but whenever I’ve come across major change, it’s always kicked me off my feet.

As graduation approached, many people asked the question, “What’re you doing after college?” and many students answered with a job location and title.

I am not one of those many.

I answered with the following: I am going to take a short break, because I’ve been doing this for over twenty years, and frankly, I’m exhausted.

A friend of mine told me I was the first to ever tell her such a thing, and it made her feel so much better about doing the same thing, because it made her feel less alone.

The truth is I need a small break. I know how major change affects me, and I knew if I just jumped into a new job the week after graduation, I’d shut down.

So, although I am unemployed with an urge for a solid schedule to work around, I know I am taking the time I need so that I may greet Change with a smile and a handshake.

Change, you are quite an enigma. I find you to be so unkind when life is going well, and yet I know you do what you do to help me.

I hope I get to the point where I no longer see you with an anxious frown and instead welcome you.

This blog post is all over the place, and I apologize for that. It became less of a blog post and more of a stream of consciousness. Sometimes, there’s no better way of sorting through your thoughts than by just dumping them out there.

Thanks for reading this, if you have. I hope life is treating you well.

Fairfarren, friend.

Fairfarren, Friends

 

 

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